


A Song of Me Song in Need

by vagrantBreath



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Depression, M/M, Space is lonely, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-26 03:57:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7559206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vagrantBreath/pseuds/vagrantBreath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything is okay. Got it? Lance is fine. Everything is fine. No one needs to worry about him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I pretty much came up with this by listening to [Song of Myself](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQu5QjidHWg) and [Watashi Banbatsu Hyaku Fushigi](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTpHj3Aeyxg). So I guess that's the beginning of the soundtrack to this.

Pidge fell to the floor, her bayard clattering next to her as she tried to regain her breath. But she didn’t have the time. It was right above her, and she had to move now. Her body started to roll away, but too late, she could see the blade coming down-

Just as Lance shot the combat droid at the last second. “Ha!” he crowed, coming over to kick the droid. “Gotcha!”

”You could have gotten it sooner!” Pidge retorted, standing up. “What were you doing the entire time?”

”I’d like to know that too.” Fuck, why did Keith have to put in his two cents? “We all were busy except you. I saw you just aiming when I finished up. Why did it take you so long to actually shoot the thing?”

”Man, does it really matter?” Lance’s bayard shifted back to travel size as he put it back into its holder. Both his arms came up to rest behind his head, forced casual. “I got it. Didn’t even singe her.”

”It matters because you put her in danger!” Keith spat out.

”Keith.” Shiro’s stern voice made him settle down slightly, though still glaring at Lance. “We need to work as a cohesive unit, Lance. We need to know that we can count on the rest of the team to be there.”

That made Lance snort. “And I was there, wasn’t I? Pidge is fine.”

”You-!”

Shiro held his hand up, shaking his head. The words in Keith’s mouth cut off at that, and he looked away. “Lance. Is something wrong?”

”Nah. Why would me shooting the attackers when I think it’s a good time mean something’s wrong?” Lance scratched the side of his nose. “Anyway, it worked. It doesn’t matter.”

For a moment, all Shiro did was stare at him, his eyes hard. Keith was doing the same, gritting his teeth. Hunk was trying to make himself smaller, trying not to earn any of the wrath coming from their leader and Keith. And Pidge...

Looked like she was about to zap all of them.

”Guys, can it wait?” Lance stretched, feeling all his muscles protest. “You can all yell at me later for whatever you want to yell at me for. I need a shower now. And grub. Hunk, you’re with me, right? We could totally go for some food.”

”Huh?” Hunk looked up at Lance. “Yeah, but-”

”There. Two hungry Paladins. And I bet Pidge is hungry too.”

”Don’t rope me into your idiocy,” she grumbled. “If all we’re going to do is yell at Lance, I’m going to go take a shower. I’m done with dealing with him today.”

”Aww, don’t be like that,” Lance moaned as she walked off. “Pidge!”

Shiro cleared his throat, pulling his attention back to him. “Lance, I would like to talk to you. Alone. Keith, Hunk, go clean up.”

Lance groaned as the other two Paladins walked off, making a face at Keith as he walked by. The antic earned him a sharp glare from Keith and a weary sigh from Shiro. Once they had filed out, he turned to their leader, feeling his heart pick up. It was one thing to banter with Keith. Or to nudge at Hunk and Pidge. Shiro... the disappointed look on his face did not feel good. “So. What’s up?”

”In the past few weeks, your behavior during training has been... erratic,” Shiro started, his voice thoughtful as he considered his words. “Reckless. It was one thing when you put yourself in danger, even though you always managed to get yourself out of it at the last minute. This is the first time you’ve put another in danger. I’m worried something is wrong.”

Oh. Lance wished his uniform had pockets where he could shove his hands. “It’s nothing,” he mumbled. And... it was nothing. He just wanted to do it. “I’m fine.”

”If you don’t feel comfortable talking to me since I’m your leader, I’m sure Allura or Coran-”

”I’m fine,” Lance stressed. “Look, if something’s wrong, you’ll be the first to know. Okay? I just... it’s fine.”

Shiro didn’t answer for a moment, just stared at him. Then he sighed, walking forward to clasp Lance’s shoulder. “Go shower. And Lance... if something _is_ wrong, don’t be afraid to tell someone.”

Lance nodded at that. Shiro’s hand fell away as he walked past, leaving Lance’s shoulder cold in his wake. He reached up, covering where Shiro’s hand had rested.

Then he turned on his heel, heading for the showers.

* * *

Nothing felt better than being freshly washed and ready to stomach a full plate of green goop. Lance grinned as he shut off the food pump, looking down at his meal. It wasn’t like it was his grandmother’s Christmas tamales or her menudo, but he had really gotten a taste for this. Yum.

He was late getting down here, so everyone else had already eaten and left. So he could eat in peace. Though, he already missed being able to chat with Hunk or poke at Pidge a bit. It was really quiet. Got on his nerves a bit. It started to-

”Lance.”

Oh look he wasn’t alone anymore. “What do you want, Keith?” Lance asked around a mouthful of goop, glaring at Keith from across the table.

Keith slammed his hands down, glaring back at him. “I want to know why you put Pidge in danger today!”

That made Lance groan. “Shiro already asked me this. Look, everything’s fine. I didn’t put Pidge in danger. In fact, I got her _out_ of danger. So back off.”

”You-”

Well, now his appetite was ruined. “I’m just going to go back to my room. Thanks for ruining my appetite, jackass.”

Just, where did Keith get off acting like he was the leader? They had one. His name was Shiro. And he wasn’t a cocky asshole like Keith was. Just. Augh! Why was Keith such an ass? Lance ignored Keith as he left, seething. He was just about to have a good meal, too. Did Keith have to ruin everything good of his?

Ugh.

Lance stomped his way into his room, then stopped, staring at his bed as the door slid shut behind him with a soft whisper. At the sight of his room, the lived-in mess, the bed, the... everything, Lance just...

Sighed.

And bowed his head, all the emotion running out of him.

Everything was okay. Everything was fine.

Lance lifted his head, staring emptily over his room.

Everything was fine.

* * *

“Whoo-hoo!” Suck on that, Galra empire! It was just a little skirmish, but it felt so good to finally get back in the Blue Lion and attack some of the bad guys. Lance urged his Lion forward, then a part of his mind told him to roll. To the left. Now.

A good thing too, because otherwise that would have been a nasty hit. As it was, it just barely grazed him. Lance grinned, his breath coming harsh. That had been... so exhilarating. He continued forward, ignoring the sounds of his fellow Paladins as he went further into battle. All his instincts told him when to dodge, and he kept making that window shorter and shorter. It just... felt so good when he could almost _feel_ it wizz by.

”Lance! We need to form Voltron!”

Keith’s words barely registered as something to pay attention to. Adrenaline pumped through his veins, his heart pounding a tattoo against his eardrums.

”Lance!”

Shiro’s voice cut through the rush, making him blink. “What?” he called back, firing off another blast before circling back to the rest.

”We need to form Voltron,” Shiro said, the patient tone obviously undercut with annoyance. “We’re getting nowhere like this.”

”Oh. Yeah, I knew that.” Lance’s voice was sheepish as everyone else groaned.

”Guys, can we form Voltron now?” Hunk asked, his Lion getting hit by incoming fire.

”I don’t know. Lance, are you done being an idiot and needlessly risking your neck?” Pidge sniped at him.

”Everyone!” All the other Paladins fell quiet at Shiro’s voice. “Form Voltron.”

The battle didn’t last much longer after that. Once back at the Castle of Lions, Lance didn’t even pause as he heard Keith’s voice ring out over the hanger. He didn’t care. Whatever, he had been a little reckless in battle. So what. He just jumped out of his Lion and instantly started heading out.

”Lance.” Shiro’s voice made his steps halt for a moment. “Please stay for a moment.”

”Actually, Shiro,” he said without turning around. “I really don’t want to be yelled at for doing my goddamn job today. So I’m just going to go shower and fall face first into my pillow. Or is that not okay with the leader today?”

”Your job?!” Oh wow, Keith was really wound up. “You didn’t even notice that you were drawing fire towards me with your stupid acrobatics.”

Lance waved a hand, still not turning. “You came back okay.”

”Lance-”

”See ya later.” With that, Lance left the hanger. And just as he did, as soon as everyone’s voices fell away, he felt his good spirit fall too. And his annoyance. And just... everything.

Everything came out okay. Everything was fine.

That was his mantra as he undressed, as he stood under the scalding water and let the battle rinse off his body. Everything was... fine.

He was fine.


	2. Chapter 2

The ceiling was as dull as ever.

Normally, Lance would have an urge to throw something at it. Bounce a ball off of it, see if he could get a pencil stuck in it, something. Right now... he just stared at the ceiling.

Then he got up and left.

It was time for food anyway.

When he entered the dining room, Hunk looked up from his food in surprise while Keith just stared at him. Okay, so he had been eating more and more away from the group. Whatever. At least there was no Pidge to poke at him. She could be vicious. “Hey, Lance.”

”Hey, Hunk!” Lance grinned at him as he piled green goop on his plate and sat next to him. “How’s lunch today?”

”Pretty good.” Hunk smiled back at him, something looking a little... relieved? What? Lance stared at Hunk for a moment, trying to puzzle out the look on his face.

”About time you decided to eat with us.” Of course Keith had to decide to butt in. “Done avoiding us?”

”I just needed some time away from your ugly mug, isn’t that enough for you?” Lance shot back, shoving goop into his mouth. He saw Keith bristle at the words, and smirked. So easy. “And I’m here now. Good enough for you?”

Keith slammed his hands down on the table, standing suddenly. “What is wrong with you?” The words exploded from his lips, filled with an emotion Lance couldn’t place. “You’ve been more reckless than ever and you’ve been avoiding us more and more. If you’re not going to be reliable-”

”Whoa there, tiger. I’ve had this talk with Shiro. Everything is fine.” A rush of annoyance ran through his veins, and Lance set his spoon down. “Anyway, it’s none of your business. Even if something was wrong, I wouldn’t come to you for it.”

Those words made Keith draw up, his eyes narrowing in anger. But instead of saying anything more, he picked up his mostly empty plate and walked away. Lance watched him go, then snorted. “What’s his deal?” he asked in a conversational tone, turning to Hunk.

Hunk hesitated, his own face soft. “He... we all worry about you, Lance. You haven’t been acting like yourself lately.”

”Oh come on, not you too!”

Hunk’s hands came up as he shook his head. “I’m not pushing or anything! I’m just saying... if something’s wrong, we’re all here for you.”

”Why does everyone think something’s wrong?” Lance didn’t quite- okay he whined. But they all thought something was wrong with him! Everything was fine!

Instead of answering, Hunk just looked at him. Then he got up to leave. “We care about you,” was all he said as he left.

And that left Lance alone to fume into his food. He wasn’t acting weird. He was acting like himself. Everything was fine. He took a few more bites, then let his spoon drop onto the plate. Everything was just fine. Everything...

Fuck it. He wasn’t hungry anymore. Even with most of his plate still full, he wasn’t hungry. Lance stared at his plate for a moment, wondering if he should at least try to scarf down a little more but... eh. Didn’t appeal to him. So the rest of it was thrown away and Lance left the dining room. He didn’t know where he was going, but it was somewhere. Hopefully somewhere away from people like Keith and Hunk that were seeing things that weren’t there. He was fine.

He jammed his hands into his pockets as he walked, frowning at the floor. No, everything was just fine. No one needed to worry about him. They were just being idiots.

”Lance.” At the surprised voice, Lance looked up into Shiro’s face. “It’s good seeing you again.”

”I’m fine,” he told him gruffly, not wanting to get into it with Shiro too. He was just... tired now.

Shiro’s eyebrows jumped for his hairline. “Oh. I wasn’t... I’m glad you’re fine.” He didn’t sound convinced, though. And Lance just...

Did not want to deal with that look on his face. It hurt. When Hunk’s worry, Keith’s anger didn’t make an impact, that look on Shiro’s face hurt. The look that maybe Lance wasn’t living up to his standards and... he didn’t want that. He just wanted away from Shiro so he would stop making him look like that.

Shiro’s hand gently rested on Lance’s shoulder, making him jump slightly. “You don’t have to pretend,” came the gentle voice, and oh. _Oh._

”I’m not pretending,” Lance bit out, trying to shove the blush down. “Everything’s fine.”

Shiro didn’t move his hand for a moment, then squeezed Lance’s shoulder. When his hand fell away, Lance had to fight the urge to grab it. To hold it. “We’re going to do some training in our Lions tomorrow,” Shiro said finally. “You should go get some rest.”

”Yeah,” Lance managed. “I’ll go do that.”

He didn’t move when Shiro left. He couldn’t. Not when moving meant going after Shiro.

* * *

Okay, so he had a crush on Shiro. Which... was enough to keep him in his room, headphones blaring in his ears. Sexuality crisis in space, whoo. But more than that... Lance stared up at the ceiling, his back resting on his bed, head cradled by the pillow. It would be something to realize he wasn’t as straight as he thought he was. And... shit, he didn’t know how everyone else would take that. Hunk would probably just accept him for who he was. Hunk was great like that. Pidge probably wouldn’t care. She was cool like that. Keith... he would say fuck Keith, but he would have to deal with that every goddamn day if Keith decided to be an asshole about it. And Shiro...

Shiro was their _leader_. Bad idea to fall for the leader. Lance threw his arm over his eyes. He had fallen for their leader, just... he still liked Allura! He had fallen for the two people that couldn’t fall for him in return.

Lance sighed, his arm still over his eyes. That was the thing, wasn’t it. Probably the only one he could have fallen for that wouldn’t be a complete clusterfuck would be Hunk, and he was... completely in love with Shay. Everyone else, just- Lance let his arm fall, staring at the ceiling.

Maybe he should take a walk around the castle. Clear his head a bit. Shiro was probably training right now or working on his Lion. And the castle was big enough he wouldn’t see any of the others unless he wanted to. Lance started to slip the headphones off, sitting up.

And he just couldn’t stand. He couldn’t gather the want to get up and take that walk. It sounded good, but he just didn’t want to. Nothing made him want to stand up right now.

”Paladins!” Allura’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. Before she could even say any more, he was already heading towards the bridge. There was something, and Allura didn’t sound that worried. Urgent, but not like there was something they had to fight right now.

He wasn’t the last one to the bridge. By a few steps, Lance managed to beat out Keith. He smirked at Keith as they joined the rest, only to be ignored. “What is it, Allura?” Keith asked instead as Lance huffed, turning his head away.

”We’ve received a distress beacon.” Lance looked over as Allura brought up the map. “As you can see, it’s weak, but nearby. As the Paladins of Voltron, we should look into every distress signal.”

”We know, Allura,” Shiro told her quietly. “We’ll go. Where is it coming from?”

Allura just smiled at him in relief. “There is a planet nearby. It appears to be coming from that planet. I will send you the coordinates when you are on your way.”

”Uh, do I need to point out this might be a trap?” Pidge pointed out.

”You don’t. But we need to check out everything just in case it really is someone that needs help,” Shiro told her. “We’ll be careful.”

”I just think we should investigate this beacon a little more,” Pidge argued. “The last time we checked out one of these, it ended up being a trap that nearly had the Blue Lion taken from us.”

”How about this time we don’t let anyone go alone?” Why did Keith have to speak up? “We can fight back against an enemy if we’re not alone. Or, in Lance’s case, not get suckered by a pretty face as easily.”

”Hey, screw you.”

”Paladins.” Both Lance and Keith fell silent at Allura’s voice. “But you do have a point, Keith.”

”No one leaves the group unless it’s with another person,” Shiro agreed. “Now suit up. We’re going to go check out that distress beacon.”

* * *

”Paladins, do you see anything?” Allura’s voice crackled over the headset. Lance brought his Lion around as Keith did the same behind him, the two of them scanning over the planet’s surface.

”I’m not seeing anything,” Pidge reported.

”Yeah, me neither,” came Hunk’s voice.

”Everyone, let’s meet up by the waterfall.” Lance felt his heart squeeze just a little at Shiro’s voice. Damn it, why did he have to realize it now? “We’ll decide where to go from there.”

”Aye aye,” Lance muttered, starting towards the aforementioned waterfall. It seemed like it was probably just old or something. There was nothing there. No crashed ships or anything. Then, he turned his head. Wait, that seemed to be-

”Shiro, I see something. I’m going to check it out.”

”Don’t you- Lance, get back here!” Lance ignored Keith barking orders over his headset as he turned towards what appeared to be a break in the nearby forest. It might not be, but it seemed like the trees had been broken at this spot...

”I’m going after him.” Shit. That’s right, he wasn’t supposed to go anywhere alone. And now Shiro was coming after him. Lance turned his Lion around, ready to go back and-

Something hit him. The impact shook the Blue Lion, and Lance turned around reflexively, a grin starting to cross his face. Something trying to fight him? Let’s go!

Only he didn’t see anything. Nothing that could have come out like that.

”Lance? Is something wrong?”

”Shiro, I think something’s there.” He didn’t look to see the Black Lion come up beside him. “Something hit me.”

He didn’t even need to see Shiro to know he had tensed. “Lance. Get back to the others. Now.”

That would be no problem. Lance went to rejoin the others, only to see something hit the Black Lion. “Shiro!”

He didn’t know what it was, but it was something. Invisible. What was the Galra empire up to now? Lance grit his teeth and rushed at where he thought it would be, only to wiff it. That thing hit him again, slamming his Lion into the trees. He could hear the others rushing in to join them, but right now he couldn’t move, couldn’t get up. The Lion wouldn’t respond to him. No, he had to get going. He had to-

Lance slammed his hand down onto the control panel, almost screaming. “Let me back up there, you stupid machine!” He tried again, and it would not even turn its thrusters on. He could hear the others screaming at him, fighting, and he couldn’t join in because his stupid Lion wouldn’t... he couldn’t fight...

He didn’t know when the fighting had stopped. Only that now they were calling his name, trying to get his attention. Why did they bother? He had been worthless during that fight. He had practically started it, then been useless the entire time. Just...

The thought that he would have gotten himself killed with the mindset he had been having flit through his mind briefly. That his Lion may have actually saved his life by keeping him out of the fight. But that was all pushed aside as he unclipped his harness and stumbled his way out of the Blue Lion. He would have to make his way out of the forest first. The Lions couldn’t land without ruining more of it. He’d let them know where he was headed. He’d... let them know.

Fuck. He had really screwed up. He had gone out alone, then he had gotten into a fight with an enemy they couldn’t see, and now his Lion wouldn’t respond to him. Lance rubbed his arms, closing his eyes briefly. He had screwed up past any repair. If they forgave him at any point...

”Lance!” Shiro’s voice cut through his thoughts, making him lift his head. The Black Lion hovered overhead, then landed just outside the forest. Of course it would be Shiro that came for him. Lance looked away, waiting as he heard someone coming up for him. He would have to answer for what he did and-

Something made him grab his bayard. And just in the nick of time as a Galra soldier came out behind a tree, only to get shot by Lance. Damn it. He had walked right into an ambush. He could hear them all around him. Lance grit his teeth, ready to take down as many of them as he could.

Then he heard sounds of someone else fighting the Galra and fuck, Shiro. Shiro was walking right into the ambush too. That thought made him rush forward. He needed to save Shiro. It was his idiocy that had put him in this position. He needed to get them out of it. He needed to-

Electricity coursed through him as another Galra soldier jabbed a prod between the joints of his armor. Lance fell to his knees, gasping as the prod was pulled back slightly, only to be pressed back in. He could hear something humming above them (The Lions? The Castle of Lions?), and the sound of the Galra talking around them. He heard the sound of something zapping, and Shiro’s gasp. But he couldn’t move. He could only let darkness overtake him as he was electrocuted one last time.

The last thing he felt was someone picking him up.

And then nothing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So one of the tags is torture? This is the chapter that has it. Be forewarned.

Where was he? Lance groaned, trying to shift and failing. His body wouldn’t respond. What was going on? Slowly, he opened his eyes, trying to make sense of what he saw. Walls... but not familiar walls. The ground under him was hard. Why was he laying on something hard? Lance tried to shift again, his limbs moving as if underwater. What had happened? His memory was so patchy. Impressions of a planet, of his Lion not working, of Galra filled his mind, but then...

Lance inhaled sharply as it all came back. Shiro. The Galra had taken him and Shiro. He tried to sit up, freezing when a cry split the air. Fuck, what were they doing to Shiro? His hands balled into fists as his teeth grit. It was his fault. If he hadn’t broken away from Keith, if he hadn’t disobeyed Shiro’s orders to meet up at the waterfall, they wouldn’t have fought the invisible enemy. His Lion wouldn’t have stopped working. He wouldn’t have gotten him and Shiro kidnapped. And now he was lying on what appeared to be the floor of a cell, listening to someone torture Shiro and he couldn’t stop it.

It was his fault.

They needed to get out of there. His helmet and armor had been taken off, leaving him only in his flight suit, so no contacting the other Paladins or Allura. But he could take a guard by surprise. Beat it up, take the weapon, and blast his way to Shiro and get out. They had probably taken their Lions, so get to their Lions and get out. And then they could get back to the Castle of Lions and... and...

Lance’s arms shook as they held him up. And what? They would just forgive him for what he did? Praise him for rescuing himself and Shiro? Everything would be okay now that they were back? He couldn’t even get up right now! The best he could do right now was roll over and rest his back against the wall. No big rescue was about to happen now. He wasn’t going to be the big damn hero.

Shiro’s scream filled the air and Lance’s breathing hitched at the sound. Then it faded away, and the anticipation for the next one filled him, dread that he wouldn’t hear more, that Shiro was-

The door to his cell slid open, revealing a Galra soldier and two of the robotic guards. “Get up, _Paladin_ ,” the soldier purred, an unsettling grin on his face.

”And if I don’t want to?” Well, it really was less he didn’t want to, but this asshole didn’t need to know that.

With two long strides, the soldier strode forward and grabbed him by the throat, hauling him up. Before Lance could move, his breath was driven out of him by the Galra soldier’s fist in his stomach. “You will stand,” came the amused voice. “Or we can do this here.” He let him go, and Lance had to put his hand against the wall to keep himself from falling to the floor again. When Lance glared at him, his breathing erratic, he only laughed. “Oh, you’ll be fun to break.”

”Don’t count on it,” Lance panted, his arm and legs trembling.

His answer was just a broad sadistic grin.

* * *

He tried not to scream. And for a bit, he was successful. When they used his body as a punching bag, he held his tongue. But now they had him in the middle of a room with his hands suspended above him, topless, and something was slithering behind him. Lance felt his legs quivering under him as the slithering stopped, whatever it was being drawn up. And then-

A crack filled the air and sharp pain kissed his skin. Noise choked in his throat, a mix of a gasp and a scream. Another fiery trail ran down his back, heralded by a crack splitting the air. Lance bit back another scream as another crack, another slip of pain, and another and another kept coming... and then it stopped, and a hand grasped his chin, lifting it. Lance blinked, clearing away tears to stare up at the Galra soldier holding a bloody whip. “You are a Paladin of Voltron,” he said conversationally. “We know you pilot a Lion. And yet, when we went back to find your Lions, they were missing.” The hand tightened on his chin. “Where would they be, Paladin? Where are your Lions?”

They were missing. Allura must have retrieved them somehow. Lance closed his eyes in relief, then drew in a breath-

And spat in the Galra soldier’s face.

The soldier let him go, wiping at his face. “I am disappointed, but not surprised.” As Lance looked up, he saw him put the whip away, and pick up something with a strange tip. When he pressed a button, the tip lit up in a way that made his stomach turn. “But you’ll break eventually.”

When the tip was pressed against the skin of his arm, it sizzled, pain exploding as the smell of burnt flesh filled the air.

Lance screamed. He screamed each time the tip came down onto his arms, each time the Galra soldier let it trail down his arm, leaving a burnt trail in its wake.

He couldn’t stop screaming.

* * *

Shiro was screaming again. Lance tried not to shift, tried not to aggravate his own wounds as he breathed. His back, his arms... they had left his chest alone, but he was certain that was next. The only reason they stopped was because he was blacking out. Couldn’t have that. Lance closed his eyes as he heard Shiro’s scream die off, his breathing growing ragged. At least when he heard that, he knew Shiro was alive. When he didn’t, he had no idea if- if they had...

They only needed _one_ of them...

It wasn’t a surprise when the door to his cell slid open. His turn, huh. Lance didn’t even stir as he heard the boots come up beside his head. Someone grabbed him from behind, arms under his armpits and opening all the wounds on his back over again as he was hauled to his feet. Before he knew what was happening, a collar was attached to his neck, a leash leading into his torturer’s hand. When he was safely on his feet, his hands were drawn together in front of him, handcuffs together. “Come on,” the soldier told him, pulling on the leash. Lance stumbled, each step shooting pain up his back as he did. He managed to get out the door before he fell, catching himself on his hands and knees. Before anyone could say anything, he scrambled to his feet, not wanting to show any more weakness.

He managed to make it halfway down the hall before the soldier yanked hard on the leash. Lance fell hard to his knees, slumping onto one shoulder and trying not to scream in pain. Fuck... he couldn’t...

”What is it, Paladin?” the soldier asked, nearly purring. “Can’t walk? If you can’t walk... _crawl._ ”

Lance’s eyes snapped open at that. He would not give him the pleasure. Slowly, he pushed himself back up to his feet, glaring at the soldier. He would not crawl, not for him. Lance stumbled down the hall, managing to keep his balance the next time the leash was yanked viciously. No, he would stay on his feet, damn you.

Then the guard stopped. Lance stopped behind him, glaring, then... he looked around him. At... Shiro, suspended by his wrists in the middle of the room.

Oh God.

They hadn’t gone with burning him, but rather decided to beat on him more than Lance. Blood ran from his lips, and he wasn’t looking at them. But he was still breathing, he was still alive. Lance took a half step towards him, his name on his lips.

”Champion.” Shiro didn’t even twitch at the Galra soldier’s voice. With a smirk, the soldier yanked the leash, pulling Lance in front of him. The motion made him fall to his knees, a small cry escaping his throat. “We have a prize for you. For good behavior.”

Lance went still. What did that mean?”

”All Champions deserve a prize, don’t they? This one would make a good one for you, for telling us where the Lions are.”

No. No, Shiro would never do that. Lance looked up at Shiro, at how his entire body went tense. No, Shiro would never betray them.

”In return for telling us where the Lions are, you will get this one as a toy to do whatever you want to him.”

He was lying. Shiro would never do it.

”So.” The guard’s voice lowered to a growl. “Where are the Lions?”

Shiro didn’t answer, and Lance nearly sagged in relief. Of course he wouldn’t have betrayed them. He stared at Shiro, watching his face twist in pain before turning to look at them. His eyes looked over them, then caught Lance’s. For a moment, Lance just stared at him, watching the conflict in his eyes, then the resolution. His eyes closed again as he looked away, a clear indication he was not going to say anything.

The guard sighed. “Kill the younger one.”

Shiro’s eyes snapped open, turning to them. “No!”

As Shiro said the word, the gun was pressed to Lance’s head. No, there wasn’t anything he could do. Shiro could give it up now and Lance would still be dead. Just... keep your mouth shut, Lance silently begged as he felt the gun dig into his head. Don’t betray... them...

Then the gun was ripped from his head as something was thrown across the room. Lance looked up suddenly, his arms shaking when he saw Allura. Allura, slim and deadly in her flight suit, her hair tied up on top of her head. Hunk behind her, and Keith, and Pidge... and Allura, stepping forward, angry. “Don’t. Touch. My. Paladins.”

Lance watched as they took out the enemies, Allura throwing the soldier around with little trouble and he didn’t know when he started crying but he was crying now. It couldn’t be real. They were here. After all that, they...

He heard the sound of Shiro being untied, and he felt Allura’s slim fingers on his wrists, undoing the handcuffs. “Oh...” Her voice was quiet as she gently took the collar off, letting him rest against her.

And he would just rest here as he looked over at Shiro, making sure he was okay as he slowly stood up, wincing in pain. “We need to go,” he said roughly. “There will be a relief guard soon.”

”Yes, you are right.” Allura’s hands were gentle as she helped Lance up, gentle as they awoke pain along his arms and back. “Can you walk, Lance?”

”I’ll carry him,” Shiro said softly as Lance tried to walk, nearly falling as he did so. Gently, he picked up Lance in a bridal carry, one arm low on his back. “Hold onto me,” he told Lance. “I can’t get a good hold.”

Lance nodded, carefully wrapping his arms around Shiro’s neck. He’d be okay here. Shiro was hurt, but he wouldn’t let anything harm him. He was safe in Shiro’s arms. Lance’s eyes started to close as Shiro started to walk, careful to try and not harm him more. He was safe here.

It’d be okay now.


	4. Chapter 4

It was too quiet when Lance woke. Shiro wasn’t screaming. That meant they were going to come for him. He went still, barely breathing, hoping not to injure himself more as he breathed into the warm pillow-

Oh.

That... wasn’t right. Lance blearily raised his head, taking in the fact that the walls were very familiar. And that doing so didn’t hurt. Slowly, Lance sat up, his arm hurting slightly for how he slept on it. But his back didn’t burn, and other than the muscle ache, his arms felt fine. Medical pods were a wonder. A short time in them, and other than a few scars, you’d never know anything happened. Even the light burns on Shiro’s back from them zapping him with electricity (how had he not know that. How had he not seen that before) had gone away easily. All that had been left were-

Lance’s hands shook on his legs. He was safe now. He didn’t need to think about that. About what his back and arms held.

Slowly, he laid back down, gingerly resting his back against the mattress. It didn’t hurt to do that. He knew it didn’t. So why did he keep acting like it was about to hurt? Lance closed his eyes, trying to relax. Everything would be okay. He was safe now. Back at the Castle of Lions, back in his own bed. He and Shiro would be safe.

But his mind wouldn’t let him fall back asleep. The hum of the ship around him was too eerie, and the lack of noise on top of it... Lance sat up, reaching for his headphones. That would do it. He would just put those on and music would lull him to sleep. It would be fine.

Music helped. It drowned out the silence and the expectations. But now he was awake, staring at the ceiling. He couldn’t get back to sleep. Lance raised one hand over his head, watching how his sleeve fell slightly down his arm, revealing the edge of the first burn scar. He lowered his arm, letting it rest across his stomach.

He was safe. He didn’t have to worry about the burns anymore. And Shiro... they were all safe.

Lance sat up suddenly. Without putting on his slippers, he made his way through the Castle of Lions. When he reached the hangar, his Lion, he looked up at it.

”... open up,” he whispered.

Obediently, the Blue Lion’s mouth opened. Lance crawled in, going straight for the chair. As he curled up, music still blaring in his ears, he swore he could feel his Lion cradling him, grief and sorrow for what happened around him.

”You saved my life,” he said softly, watching the control panel light up just enough to have ambient light. “What happened after... it’s my own stupid fault. You kept me from fighting like an idiot. I should have stayed inside you until the others came for me.”

He should have done so many things. Lance closed his eyes, slowly falling asleep in the cockpit of his Lion.

* * *

”Where have you been?” Keith demanded as Lance walked into the practice area, adjusting the armor on his wrists. “We’ve been waiting half an hour for you.”

Lance looked up at him, then back down at his wrists. “Sleeping.” He stepped forward, his bayard out as he ignored the indignant look on Keith’s face.

”This is important training time and you-”

”I know.”

Something in the quiet words made Keith’s mouth snap shut. He looked over at Pidge, who bit her lip and shrugged. Shiro turned towards him, his face lined with worry. “Lance, if you’re not up for training,” he started before Lance shook his head.

”I’m up for it. It’s cool.”

Shiro just stared at him for a moment. Then he nodded, turning to the rest. Lance watched him get things ready, just... watching him. Shiro could bounce back. He was fine. So Lance could be too. He would be letting Shiro down if he didn’t and-

Lance closed his eyes.

He didn’t hear the training start. He didn’t know anything happened until he was hit in the chest and knocked off his feet.

”Lance!” Pidge’s voice filled his ears as he shifted. The robot came crashing down at his feet as she tangled her bayard around it’s legs and yanked it, and he looked up. Her eyes were wide, disbelieving. “Get up already!”

Get up. Lance pulled out his bayard, looking at it. Get up. Help. He had to help.

It wouldn’t help, would it. Nothing he would do would help.

The last droid came crashing down, and everyone turned to Lance. Slowly, he stood, taking off his helmet.

And before anyone could say anything, he started to leave.

”Oh, and now you’re just going to run off?” He didn’t know what that note in Keith’s voice was, and he didn’t care. “Lance!”

He didn’t turn around.

It wasn’t like he could do anything anyway.

* * *

The cockpit of the Blue Lion was really uncomfortable. But his own room... Lance pulled his feet onto the seat, curling in on himself. He would take uncomfortable here.

”Lance?”

At Shiro’s voice, he lifted his head slightly. He couldn’t see him inside here. Shiro must be looking for him, but... Lance lowered his feet, pressing a button to open the Lion’s mouth so he could exit. The floor was cold against his bare feet when he landed, another reason for him to have stayed in the Blue Lion.

But Shiro’s face relaxed slightly when he landed. “I was looking for you,” he told him gently. “You missed dinner.”

”I wasn’t hungry.”

Shiro didn’t respond to that. Instead, he just ran his eyes over Lance’s form, taking in what he saw. And what he saw... Lance could guess. He hadn’t been sleeping well in the Blue Lion. His pajamas were creased as hell. But he had been bathing regularly so he didn’t look like a total slob. Just mostly like one.

”Are you hungry now?” Shiro asked, breaking the quiet. At Lance’s shrug, he nodded over his shoulder. “It’s late, but the food pumps should still be working. Join me?”

Lance toyed with the cuff of one sleeve. There really wasn’t anything that would keep him from going and eating with Shiro. “Yeah, sure.”

A small smile graced Shiro’s face, and he turned, gesturing. “After you.”

Lance just made a little noise as he walked by, noting that Shiro came up beside him. The two of them walked in silence. It was... Lance felt his shoulders hunch. Shiro seemed like he was okay with the silence, but it was just... “Is everyone angry at me?”

Shiro considered the words as they walked. “No.” He looked over at Lance, the smile still on his face. “I know what it’s like, Lance. What happened... it’s not the first time I’ve endured that.”

The words just made Lance hunch in on himself more. “Really.”

”Yes.” Shiro’s voice went distant. “It’s not... a good memory.”

”And what? I should just get over it like you did?” Lance bit out, still hunched over himself.

”No!” Shiro stopped turning to him. “Lance, that wasn’t where I was going with this.”

Lance came to a stop as well, just in front of him. “Then where were you going with it, Shiro?” He spun around, feeling his arm shake. “Where were you going with that little story?”

”That you’re not alone here!” Shiro’s hand came out slightly, half reaching for him before dropping. “You’re not alone, Lance. You can talk to me about this. I know what you went through.”

The phantom memory of a barrel against his head made Lance close his eyes, shaking his head. “Fuck you, Shiro,” he whispered.

Both of them stood there in the hall for a minute before Shiro drew himself up. “Are you still hungry?” he asked, his voice gentle again.

”Funnily enough? No.” Lance walked past him, trying not to touch him.

He noticed that Shiro didn’t try to stop him.

When he was back in the Blue Lion, he curled up in the seat, pulling his feet up onto the cushion and dropping his head onto his knees. His hands shook as he grasped his legs, mind empty as he sat in his Lion’s comforting presence.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I pretty much had [this orchestral German cover of Magia](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu98k5vVP-Y) running the entire time I wrote this chapter. Another song for the nonexistent soundtrack.

Fuck getting out of the Lion today. Lance closed his eyes again, trying to go back to sleep. He didn't have anything important to do today. Sleep was on the agenda for the rest of the day.

Shiro’s words ran through his head as he rested. He had been tortured before. And yet he was less of a mess than Lance. The thought made Lance turn in his seat, curling slightly. He didn't know if that made Shiro stronger than him, or Lance just that weak. Though, he had a feeling he knew the answer to that.

He shouldn't have said what he did to Shiro. It wasn't like Shiro actually was being an asshole to him. He was trying to be nice and helpful and Lance just threw that back in his face. Damn, he just couldn't stop screwing up, could he?

Maybe something was wrong with him. Maybe what was wrong here was _him_. Things were fine without him. If he stayed out of everyone's way, things would stay fine.

Lance stared at the control panel, shifting to try to get more comfortable. He should have never been a Paladin. Look at how much he had fucked up.

The Blue Lion’s motor revved slightly, making it sound as if it was making a disgruntled noise. Lance absently ran a hand over one of the control sticks as if to soothe it. He didn't know how deep the bond between them went, but it seemed like the Blue Lion was at least in tune with his feelings. And it was not happy with this line of thinking. Lance smiled slightly, still rubbing the control stick. “I’m okay,” he whispered. “It’s fine.”

In return, the Lion opened it’s mouth. Well, that was clear. Lance slowly crawled out of his Lion, landing easily on the ground. It was probably a good thing it had spat him out. He was starting to stink. And he had his pride. Shower, and some clothes that didn't reek.

Everyone must have been training or something because the trek back to his room was uneventful. No one to bother him as he made his way to his shower. Lance turned the water on, letting the cool water run out as he slowly undressed. He reached out to turn the light levels down, leaving just enough so he could see to wash up. He didn’t need to see his arms, the circles of scars or the trails where his skin had sizzled and stuck to the tip-

Shuddering, Lance ducked under the warming water. Just get clean. He didn’t need to think about what happened. Just get clean and get back to the Lion. Today was a day of lazing about. That was all he was going to do. Maybe eat at some point. Good idea. Probably later, make sure everyone was off doing something else.

What was he doing? Lance tilted his head up, letting the water spray over his face. This would just have everyone worry about him more. And no one needed to worry about him. He scrubbed his face, opening his eyes to stare at the wall. What the hell was wrong with him? Just... why did he feel this way?

He just... couldn’t care.

That was it, wasn’t it. He couldn’t care.

Lance shut off the shower, staring at the wall as the water dripped from his body. Slowly, he turned to reach for his towel, wiping off his face. Then, he threw the towel at the wall, screaming.

It didn’t help.

Finally, Lance picked up the towel and continued to dry off, grabbing his clean clothes to put on. It felt... clean. He really didn’t have any other word for it. His dirty clothes went into the hamper and he started back towards the hangar.

”Lance.”

Keith’s voice made him stop. “What do you want?” Lance asked, not turning around.

For once, Keith didn’t immediately yell at him. There was an awkward silence, and Lance just started to walk away.

”We miss you.”

Lance didn’t stop walking.

* * *

Allura was at the dining hall.

Out of everyone that he could run into, she was probably the best one. Maybe. Lance walked over to the food pumps, not looking over at her eating at the table. Once he had a plateful of goop, he sat down quickly away from her, keeping his eyes on his plate and eating as fast as possible.

”It’s been a while, Lance.”

And of course she wanted to talk. He grunted, shoving another spoonful into his mouth.

Allura toyed with her spoon, biting her lower lip. “I thought I would be alone here,” came a quiet admission. “I didn’t think anyone else would want to eat at this time.” She stirred her goop, staring at it. “It haunts me, Lance.”

”It haunts you?” He put down his spoon, looking over at her.

”Yes.” She didn’t look up. “How close I was to being too late. How late I was.” Allura closed her eyes, setting down her spoon. “I’m so sorry, Lance. I haven’t been able to say it before.”

”You don’t have to say you’re sorry,” he told her, looking back at his food.

”Perhaps.” Allura inhaled slowly, deeply. “Perhaps.”

Lance looked over at her, seeing a small humorless smile gracing her lips. “You don’t have to say you’re sorry,” he repeated softly. “It was my fault. I was a dumbass. I disobeyed Shiro’s order, and because of that we got kidnapped and if I hadn’t been such a fucking moron none of this would have happened but here we are and I’m a complete fuckup that can’t do anything right!” His breath grew ragged in his chest. “I can’t fucking do anything right and now it’s all gone to hell and I fucked everything up with Shiro and... and...”

He heard Allura get up and come over to him, and then felt her hand cradling his head, pulling it close to her. She didn’t say anything as she just held his head against her shoulder, letting him cling to her for a moment.

”I’m so sorry,” he heard her whisper finally, her voice choked with emotion.

Lance laughed a little, pulling back. “I told you,” he whispered back, his voice rough. “You don’t have to say you’re sorry, Princess.”

Allura laughed, running a hand through his hair as she sniffled a little. “I am glad to see you again,” she told him. “Have you been well?” He was about to say yes, then he stopped himself. The silence answered for him, and Allura sighed, her hand still running through his hair. “I suppose that was a rather silly question.”

”Allura...”

”Hm?”

”I think I said the worst things I could have to Shiro.” Lance’s eyes closed slightly as her thumb brushed over his eyebrow. “I really screwed up.”

”What did you say to him?”

”I acted like what Shiro was telling me was him saying to get over it.”

Allura didn’t answer for a moment. “Was he saying that?”

Lance laughed a little. “No. He even said I could talk to him about it.”

”Why haven’t you?”

He looked at her calm curious mien. “Because he went through it too,” he whispered.

”I don’t understand.”

Lance closed his eyes. “Because I don’t want him to remember what happened when I talk to him. I don’t want to... I can’t hurt him. I just... I can’t do that to him.”

”Does Shiro know you like him?”

”Is it that obvious?”

”If you know what you’re looking for.”

For a moment, Lance was quiet. Then, he shook his head slightly, not wanting to dislodge her hand. “I don’t think so.”

”Then perhaps you should talk to him?” Lance opened his eyes, looking into Allura’s. “Shiro has no one to talk to either. He refuses to talk to me about what happened. It may hurt him... but he’s carrying it silently around as well.”

Lance looked down. “Do you think he’ll forgive me?”

Slowly, Allura stood. Lance stared up at her as she held out her hand to him. “You won’t know until you ask.”

He stared at her hand. What it held... could he take it? After a moment, her hand fell away, making him jolt, looking up at her. “Allura, I-”

”I understand,” she told him. Gently, she leaned in, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Thank you.”

Lance sat there as she left, his hands balling in his lap.

Then he got up, throwing away the rest of his food and heading down the hall towards Shiro’s room.

* * *

”Lance.” Shiro stood there, his door open, his face lit with surprise. “It’s... I’m glad to see you. Are you- come in.” He moved out of the way, letting Lance in. “Hi.”

Jamming his hands into his pockets, Lance entered, hunching in on himself a little. “Yeah. Hi.”

The door slid closed, and Lance turned to look at Shiro. “Please, have a seat.” Shiro gestured to his bed, then pinked and changed the gesture to include his chair. “I mean, have a seat. I don’t- have any refreshments. I didn’t think I would have any company-”

”I’m okay,” Lance told him, sitting down in his chair. Normally, it would be funny to see their leader taken so off guard, but right now he felt so on edge. What he was about to say... it could go so wrong.

Shiro’s eyes sharpened as he realized how tense Lance was. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice falling into a gentle tone. He sat down onto his bed, letting his forearms rest on his legs. “Is everything okay?”

Lance opened his mouth, then closed it as he realized he didn’t know where to start. He took another deep breath, then shook his head. “Shiro, I-” Lance shook his head again. “I’m an idiot. I can’t even say this right!”

”Lance...”

His hands shook on his knees, curling into fists. “I’m a major fuckup,” he finally said, eyes focused on his knees. “I got us kidnapped because I couldn’t follow simple orders, I nearly got myself killed, and I _just want to go home._ ” Lance’s vision blurred as he blurted out the last part. “I never asked for this. I want to go home. I miss my family. I miss... _home._ ”

Shiro’s hand on his shoulder made him look up in surprise. “I do too,” he told him quietly. “I spent all my time as a prisoner wanting to go home... and I still want to go home. It’s okay to want to go home.”

Lance’s breath hitched in his throat. “My arms are burned,” he whispered, not sure why he did so. “They burned me.”

Fingers trailed down Lance’s arm, feeling like a kiss against the fabric. A kiss over each scar hidden under the sleeve. A sob escaped his throat, and he slapped his hands over his mouth. He wasn’t going to fucking cry.

”Should I stop?” Shiro whispered, his fingers pausing.

”Please don’t,” Lance managed through another sob. He was crying. He was fucking crying in front of Shiro. But Shiro didn’t stop touching his arms, his fingers caressing the scars through the fabric. Then, his natural hand reached up, thumb brushing away tears. Lance tilted his head up into the touch, looking up at Shiro.

”Should I stop?” Shiro repeated, cradling Lance’s face.

Lance’s answer was to reach up, pulling Shiro closer into a kiss. “Please don’t,” he whispered against Shiro’s lips.

In response, Shiro kissed him again. Each time he kissed him, his fingers pressed into the scars on his arms as if doing the same there, and all Lance could do was cling to him. Slowly, Shiro drew his kisses to a close, pulling back slightly. His natural hand stroked Lance’s face as he studied him. “Will you be at training in the morning?” he finally asked, his voice gentle.

Would he be at training. Lance closed his eyes. Would he be able to handle everyone else right now? Slowly, he shook his head. “Not yet.” He opened his eyes, looking up at Shiro. “Not yet.”

He nodded. “Will I see you again soon?”

That made Lance laugh. “You sound like a corny romance novel,” he told him. Laughter bubbled out of him, not stopping. Lance had to take a deep breath, tell himself to stop laughing. “I... yeah. I’ll be back.”

Shiro stroked his cheek with his thumb. “Do you want to stay?” he asked quietly.

Lance closed his eyes.

Then opened them, looking up at him.

”Yeah. I kinda do.” Lance looked away, shaking his head. “But I know that’s a really bad idea.”

”Just sleep, Lance.”

”Just sleep?” he echoed, looking back up at Shiro.

A wry smile was on his lips. “I’m not exactly ready for a sexual relationship myself. Just sleep.”

Lance reached up, covering Shiro’s hand with his own. Just sleep. No sex.

”Yeah,” he said finally. “I’ll stay.”

He’d stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. And that is done. Thank you all so much for reading this! I love you all so much. Thank you!


End file.
